Bar Tips: For the Fellas

Picking up females at the local 'hot' bar/club is not exactly rocket science. As a matter of fact, with the right amount of liquor, a girl will pass out a number (doesn't have to mean its a real number) like it's candy. Yet, some guys still screw it up. Some guys shake off a strike out, while others blame the female that caught their fancy, blaming the 'fickle' female nature as the root of their inability to get a girl to talk to them for longer than it takes to say, 'Fuck off'.

Here's some tips guys, just in case you keep finding yourself sulking alone over your fifteenth beer.

1) Breath Check Time: Yes, you are at a bar/club/whatthefuckever and yes you are probably drinking alcohol of some sort and that scent lingers. However, you do have pockets, those handy holder things attached to your pants... so do yourself a favor and pop a mint/gum/something that helps freshen that stale beer breath.

When a girl can smell your stank breath before you even lean in to deliver your well rehearsed lines she will back away and your chance is blown.

2) Have something interesting to say: An offer to buy a drink will give you at least 5 minutes of obligated conversation (unless the female just wants a free drink, in which case she will take the drink, smile at you and tell you her friends need her immediately) so make the most of the standard, polite, listening ear and say something other than bad pick-up lines or sexually explicit compliments. True, everyone knows you don't go to a bar/club/whatever to find romance, but a female wants to be perceived as something more to you than just a quick fuck.

Try asking about her drink of choice, her favorite music, or even just how her day went. A big plus if you make her laugh.

3)Don't be a Neanderthal: Slapping a girl's ass, brushing against her boobs (in a subtle manner, in your opinion is a grope session in hers) or any other such contact with a female that you have not conversed with previously is strictly forbidden.

There is an off chance that you can get away with such manhandling if you are on the dance floor, but even then you take your life into your own hands by being a Gropey McGroperson. So just don't.

Any girl worth her salt, any girl with a shred of self respect, will slap your sorry ass and no one likes to get beat down by a girl in stilettos. The ones that allow that contact are either too drunk to realize what the fuck just happened (and any guy that goes after that girl is basically a douche bag) or she is down for anything (and while that seems stellar in theory, the reality is she may be a carrier of one or several venereal diseases, so really, how cool is that?).

4)Be nice to her friends: Most girls go to bars/clubs in packs. They dress to impress and want to dance their asses off, chat with their friends over drinks, or just generally draw male attention (it's en ego boost, so sue us) within the safety of a group of friends. The friends serve the purpose as dancing buddy, bathroom buddy, and wing buddy (but not like your wing man, the wing buddy pulls the friend away when the secret signal is given that one friend is not feeling the guy trying to wiggle into her pants).

So when you approach the female that you desire, situated with her female comrades in arms, make sure to smile at every one of them and if you are lucky enough to not get asked to see your way away from them, converse lightly with at least a few of them. If you do well, the girl that you are shamelessly eying will be encouraged by her friends to dance/chat/body shot with you, trust me.

DISCLAIMER: Changing course mid pick up in the above scenario can be tricky. The girl you originally sought is not single or not as cool/cute/whatever as you originally thought...but her friend is.

Tread lightly. If you expressed an interest that was obvious to one particular girl but changed your mind and wanted her bff, chances are you blew it and should move on to the girl across the bar, one that is in no way obviously associated with the group of girls you are currently with. Switching chicks to pick up in a group will only make them think you are a douche bag.

If you were not clear on who in the huddled group of fine females you were interested in, then by all means pick the girl that catches your fancy after you have had time to think it through.

5)Do NOT ask a girl if she is DTF: Real life is not the Jersey Shore. Those guys get chicks and sometimes ask straight up they are DTF, and some of those girls say yes... why, you may ask? CAUSE THEY ARE ON TV!

Unless you have a legitimate camera crew behind you or are some kind of celebrity, asking a girl if she is DTF is a quick way to get your balls kneed or a drink thrown in your face (depending on the level of inebriation of the female in question).

A little respect goes a LONG way with the ladies, I do not lie.

These are basic tips that every guy should master before moving on to more subtle techniques, which will be explored at a later date.

So, gentlemen, incorporate these tips next time you are out and about. They help.

P.S- Final tip: Every girl has a different type of guy she is attracted to, so style of dress can vary wildly. However, what is not debatable is hygiene. Make sure you don't smell like a wet dog or look like you were rolling around under cars or with pigs all day. Just sayin'.

I Love College

In the time that I have been away from my pretty little blog my life has been in a tumult. I'quit' school, got a full-time jobbie-job slinging cell phones at technology spoiled, broke, whiny motherfuckers.

By the grace of God, I rediscovered my brain and quit before I either jumped off a building or started chucking Smart Phones at the constant stream of douche bags that strolled in demanding that I kiss their ass in the hopes of convincing them to activate service with the company.

Now I am back at school, full time, in the hopes that I can cash out with my degree- finally.

Here is the dilemma. Hell if I know what I'm going to do with my degree. I don't buy into the hype that a degree is a golden ticket that will get me passed Willy Wonka's Gate and into the damned Chocolate Factory. Nope, my guess is that very soon after forking over thousands of my hard earned green backs, I will be back at some thankless jobbie-job and pray that I don't have to 'service' those assholes who live to treat others like shit because they are paying for some kind of service/clothing item/food/beverage.

I have come to know many people that have purchased their 'Golden Ticket' from universities around the country and very few were able to transition that purchase of a 'priceless' piece of paper to an actual worthwhile, honest to goodness career that makes them so happy they shit sunshine and daisies on a daily basis. Most I know go to Grad school for lack of anything better to do, or lack of opportunity in their field without a Masters or Doctorate.

So it seems my friends, that what was once a ticket to taste the mythical 'high life' is now nothing more than the equivalent of a high school diploma. I'm all for educating the masses, don't get me wrong, smart people are less ignorant people; however when a college degree becomes as worthless as the piece of paper that you wipe your ass on after you take a... well you know what I mean... then I start to wonder what the point of it all is.

Is this cynical? I doubt it. Is this realistic? Unfortunately. I doubt most people enjoy where they are career wise, so perhaps I should just buck up and get over the fact that my time is being spent on a seemingly never-ending, reward lacking endeavor?

Well I suppose the best course of action would be to soldier on, and muck through the bullshit hoops that academia sets so that peons like myself can call themselves 'college educated'.

Yay!